Today I will solve two problems for you at the same time.Problem 1: Too many web sites are hideous. Let's face it, how many do you click onto an then have to click away instantly because even the subliminal glimpse of them will ruin the rest of your day?
Problem 2: There are too many excellent artists in the world who struggle to survive because the art world loves to lavish its attention on just a few superstars who command ridiculous prices and who, anyway, are quite frankly past their sell-by dates - I mean, please move over Emin, Hurst, etc.
My solution: Following the success of our Fart Neutral scheme, which neutralised the methane emissions from your bum and, indeed Cheat Neutral - the hilarious film about which was produced by a colleague in this office - which neutralises your love cheating - we offer:
Aesthetic OffsettingIf you are aesthetically challenged and have a butt-ugly web site with flashing animations, clashing colours and unreadable fonts, send us some money and we'll give it to struggling artists that we know.
People like Clare Maynard, Merchant Merchant and Cheryl Huntbach.
This is a voluntary scheme. Simply assess the aesthetic value of your profile on the following scale and send me the appropriate amount:
- Mildly irritating - £5/$10
- Frankly disturbing - £10/$20
- Pass the sick bag - £20/$40
- I'm going to take a sledgehammer to my monitor - £50/$100
- Somebody call the men in white before I go on a random rampage or fall on this Samurai Katana sword - £500/$1000
If we find that a voluntary scheme is not sufficient, we'll just have to lobby the W3C to get tough and make it mandatory.